1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.(Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea
all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson.
She's not my friend any more. (Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to
make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.
(William age 7)
8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.
How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming
and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just
got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you
a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to
plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy
small. (Kevin age 6)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go
down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)
13) On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going
very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny.
(Julie age 7)
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Funny video, click here! what branch is he in?
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The finest double entendres on British TV & Radio...
Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's just come in his shorts.
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:"Well Phil tell us about your amazing third leg."
Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Rubens Barrichello?"
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said:"They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
Steve Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude:"There's something big growing between my legs."
Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!" George
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A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R", we missed the "R".
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably *The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,
After all these years..... the word was "Celebrate"
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The Value of a Drink
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work
and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is
better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be
selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra and panties.
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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Hinny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can
sing.
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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
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Fred Flintstone
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
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To some! it's a six-pack; to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a
can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
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Where do I get one of these?
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Just to cheer you up.............. unless you are blonde.....
The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut
into six pieces or twelve.
"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!
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A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig
under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked,
"Where did you get that?"
The pig replied,
"I won her in a raffle!"
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A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new
blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a
nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was
wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin,
"For best results, put on two coats".
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Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of
their car with a coat hanger.
First Blonde:
"I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Second Blonde:
Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is
down!
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Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across
a set of tracks.
The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said,
"I think they could be bird tracks."
The second blonde went to look and said,
"No, I think these are deer tracks."
They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks.
She looked down, then got run over by the train!
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A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was
4:45..
The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,
"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that
question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
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A blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio and was
quite upset when she heard blonde joke after blonde joke. A little way
down the road, she saw another blonde out in a field rowing a boat. The
blonde stopped her car and angrily jumped out yelling,
"You dumb blonde bimbo! It's blondes like you that give the rest
of us a bad name! If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's
coming to you!"
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A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink,
and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening
to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that
he wouldn't jump.
Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The
redhead said,
"I can't take this, you're my friend."
But the blonde insisted saying,
"No. A bet's a bet."
Then the redhead said
"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock
news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde replied
"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"
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A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she
decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.
When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the
country.
After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a
flock of sheep and thought,
"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have
a try.
The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."
The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked
like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.
Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog
back?"
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CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1930's 40's, 50's, 60's 70's and 80's !!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking .
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem .
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents .
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Football teams had trials and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!
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